Round and round we go …
I have an experience about going in circles about doctrine — what can I do now?
I have a friend with whom I often discuss religion, and when I told her I was joining the LDS Church, she said to me, “Well, I just wish you were joining a Bible-based church.” In my mind, my thought was, “How much more Bible-based can you get?” She obviously did not understand the LDS Church!
After I was baptized and confirmed, we continued talking about religion, and she grew increasingly curious about what I believed and what Mormons believe. She attends a very progressive Christian church that is of no particular denomination and wanted to know why I had not joined her church — “Why the Mormon church?” she asked.
One day, we really got into the meat of the doctrine of the LDS Church. I explained, amazingly (thanks to the Holy Spirit running my mouth instead of just me), doctrine ranging from the Great Apostasy and the Restoration of the Gospel, to priesthood authority and baptism, to the gift of the Holy Ghost and baptisms for the dead, to the Prophet Joseph Smith and you name it.
Everything I had ever read or known — and even things I did not know well — we covered in that one discussion. Round and round we went, connecting the dots between different doctrinal principles and their Scripture references. At the end, she said, “Well, you’re not going to change my mind and I’m not going to change yours. It sounds like the Book of Mormon is just a study Bible. And I just wish there was more proof for the Book of Mormon.”
I was mentally exhausted at that point. She really gave me a spiritual workout. And that was what she concluded after all that?
I got out of the restaurant, bade her farewell until next week, and got in my truck.
I asked Heavenly Father if I did okay. I felt a sense of peace about the answers that had been given. I knew the Spirit had said most of it for me.
I got home and looked up a few Scripture references that I had given and discovered, to my relief, that they had been correct. I had done okay.
I did not, however, feel a sense of accomplishment or pride in having been right, but instead I felt a deep worry and a frustrating concern for my friend.
I have realized, though, that it is the work of the Holy Spirit, now, to work in her heart. It is not my job to convert anyone — mine is the job of expressing the message.
-Christine.
Editor’s note: After reading this experience, review What People Are Interested In. How could this conversation have gone differently with that principle at work? Share your thoughts in a comment below.
June 15, 2015 Uncategorized
Dear Christine,
Congratulations on your baptism, confirmation and becoming a member of the LDS Church! That is extraordinary and shows your dedication to God, hunger for truth and righteousness, and desire to serve powerfully.
And I thank you for sharing all this so candidly! I was right there with you — the exhaustion of a “spiritual workout” and experiencing the mix of worry and frustration when someone near and dear “doesn’t get” the gospel after we’ve done so much to present it clearly.
I’m going to make an assumption about you which is that you’re open to some feedback. I assume that because you came here and shared, and what we’re here for is to support and train people to effectively share the gospel. You were effective to a point, and I want to offer something that I think will take you beyond where you are.
So here’s my feedback.
Most people aren’t initially interested in and don’t join the Church because of our doctrine. That’s the idea of the principle What People Are Interested In.
The thing about conversations about doctrine is that they often end with people entrenched in their thoughts and opinions about concepts and without new actions to take.
You got that there is no sense of accomplishment in being right about doctrine, and it’s really great that you recognized that. It takes awareness and humility to look outside the words of the conversation and inside others’ experience. As you said, what you felt was concern for your friend!
What I suggest you try next time is find out what your friend is dealing with, what she’s interested in and what questions she has. Conversations about what’s happening in people’s lives and what they want for their future can be moving and inspiring, leaving them with a new view of actions to take.
Will you try that out? When your friend shares what’s happening in her world, you can not only “express the message” of the gospel, you can express the message that most closely connects with her heart and what she yearns for. If you do that, I think what will happen is you’ll have a conversation where you and your friend experience connection with each other and the love of God.
Thank you so much for your feedback! I have been praying about what to do to be more effective in sharing the Restored Gospel. I just want everybody to know!!! I think it is very exciting and I just do not have much finesse. 🙂 I will definitely try the approach that you suggested and see how it goes. Thank you again for your honesty!
Christine you’re welcome! And me too! I so want everyone to know the glad tidings of the Gospel and of the Restoration. What you said is perfect … sharing so people really get what we know and experience the blessings of it takes “finesse.” And you can develop it 🙂 That’s the good news and why Clayton Christensen wrote the book. Our intention is that you develop in a matter of weeks what it took the Christensens years to do. And I think you will!
Glad you checked back to see your experience posted. We are 100% here to support you, so come back for anything else. And, again, good on ya for everything, your gracious taking of my feedback and your willingness to try a new approach. Please continue sharing! Your example makes a difference for everyone in our community.
Hi Christine–
Your story is great. I embrace the scripture that “…all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purposes.” We never know the Lord’s timetable. But I believe that conversation will eventually bear fruit. You will certainly have more conversations with this in the future. The thing I like about “Everyday Missionaries” is that we learn to give a short, soft answer and invitation to hear more. We can do it every day. When they meet with the Missionaries, most all their questions will be answered.
Well said, Jim. Short, soft answers and invitations to learn more.
Well, I am trying the new approach.
I was reading the Scriptures the other day when my friend showed up to meet me. As I put my Scriptures away to pay attention to her, she asked, “So what do you read all the time? I know you’re a voracious reader. Or is that it?”, and she pointed to my Scriptures. I smiled, because I could say truthfully that I had been reading my Scriptures daily. I told her that I mainly read my Scriptures.
“Why?”
I told her it was because they calm me. She looked at me, confused. “Oh,” she said.
I offered her a Book of Mormon and she said, “Oh, no, I couldn’t. I would never get to it. I have to use all my spare time to do my own Scripture study.”
I told her the offer was always on the table, and she could even read it just to find out what I believe.
“Oh, I couldn’t accept a gift like that. It’s okay. I’d…never…never get to it,” she stammered. I assured her it was totally up to her and she just smiled.
So did I do okay? I am trying to develop that finesse and what-interests-her thing.
Christine, you are awesome. Isn’t it empowering to be reading daily and have the Spirit close? You did great, and I acknowledge your desire to develop finesse!
Answering her “Why” question straight as you did was perfect. Where I see a window in the conversation to go further is in what happened next.
First, what happened (according to what you shared).
She said, “I have to use all my spare time to do my own Scripture study.”
How you responded had an effect different, I think, from what you intended. Nothing wrong with that! Your response moved the focus away from her interests and toward yours: “[my] offer” and “what I believe.” So she responded as if the conversation were about you: “[your] gift” and “never get to it, [your book].” I think where you wanted the focus is on her.
Next, a look at how you can be now.
What if, after she said she studies the scriptures, you then asked her the same question she asked you, “Why?” or “Oh cool, why do you study the scriptures?” or “Oh! What are you studying right now?”
When I say “Why?” I don’t mean like a nine-year-old or tween who is becoming familiar with their ability to be snooty. I mean like an open-minded four-year-old child genuinely curious about why someone does what they do!
My suggestion to hone your finesse with this principle now is to always be curious! Take the position that there’s always something to discover, that it’s OK and loving to ask, and that simple questions will work — “What do you care about?” “What do you want?” “Why?” “Why do you think that is?” “What do you want to get from this?” “What’s most important to you?”
You’ll know when you’ve hit the sweet spot when, after a conversation I ask you, “What is it your friend is interested in?” and you can say, “What she said she wants is …”
You can use and practice this way of conversing with anyone for anything! What do you think? Will you try it out?
For everyone else reading — What do you think Christine can do to live the what-interests-people principle with finesse?
Definitely trying it out the next chance I get – tomorrow!!! 🙂
Okay. I felt good about today.
My friend and I met and we were just talking when I asked her if she had been studying anything interesting in her Scriptures lately. She said, “Well, I have this whiteboard mounted in my dining room and I tried to put a new Scripture up there at least once a week and have all of us as a family sit down and discuss it, but that didn’t work for very long. So, now that school is about to start again, I’m trying to figure out a good verse to start the school year out with, you know?”
I asked her if she had any ideas.
“Well, I have to do my researching and find it – I can’t remember the verse exactly, but it is the one about everybody being responsible for their own actions. My kids need to know that others, even when things aren’t fair, get held responsible eventually and that God knows about their actions, too. It’s my son’s senior year, and he takes that stuff pretty seriously.”
I smiled and kept listening, thinking of Family Home Evenings. She kind of snickered at herself, threw her hands up, and said, “But, of course, who has a whiteboard mounted in their dining room for Scripture study?”
I took the opportunity to tell her about every Monday night being reserved for families to have Scripture study and discussion in the LDS church, and I told her I was sure that she was not the only one in the world that had a whiteboard mounted in their dining room.
She looked at me, relieved, and said, “Well at least I know I’m not the only one!”
I told her a funny story that one of the Church members had told me regarding Lehi’s vision. I gave her the summary version of the vision and pointed out the meanings of a few of the symbols in it for the sake of the story that the Church member had told me. He was trying to get his young son to understand the meaning of the large building in the vision, that it was wicked, and such. He did not seem to be getting through to his son, so he finished the lesson and asked his son what he thought of the lesson.
His son said, “So…the building is kind of like a really big casino.” The brother, stifling his amusement at the comparison, acknowledged that his son had gotten the idea.
My friend got a kick out of the story and, I am sure, will remember at least parts of Lehi’s vision because of it.
The best part of the whole thing was that it came very naturally and was not forced. There was no agenda, no strategy, just an opportunity to share something.
It was so cool! 🙂
So what do you think? Is that more what you are talking about?
Beautiful. “There was no agenda, no strategy, just an opportunity to share something.”
Exactly.
Love works the same way! And missionary work is love. No agendas. No strategies. We don’t love “in order to (do/get/have/win)” anything. We love simply because we choose to love.
Keep sharing freely like this! And when you see opportunities for people to act to fulfill something that’s important to them, you can invite them in a way that has them see they get to make a choice and you are OK with them making either choice.
Thank you for coming, sharing, taking in our comments, taking new actions, sharing again, taking more new actions and on and on. You are a great example of being anxiously engaged 🙂
Oh man, Christine! I’m so excited for you and loved reading the progression of your experiment upon the word(s of Everyday Missionaries)! After reading about your conversation on the 12th, I was thinking along the lines of what Nat said (although he said it so much clearer than I could have). Then to see you applied the principle the way you did on the 13th… BINGO!
So great reading that when you asked your friend a “why?” question, it opened up a very insightful dialogue between the two of you where you learned so much more about her and what’s important to her. And then the way you tied it in to things you/we do/believe was perfect. It’s so much easier to build on common ground and it sounds like you’re there.
And I applaud your humility: sharing your experiences, asking for advice, then actually applying it.
Thanks for inspiring the rest of us!
In a case like this, it would be good to use chapter eight, “Teach how to study the Book of Mormon prayerfully.”
Have them come up with questions they always had about religion that they have not been able to find satisfactory answers to. Have them write a list. Give respective references in the Book of Mormon, then give them homework to work on those questions and find the answers in the Book of Mormon.
Thanks, Eckhard!