Invite Without Conditions
When we invite others to learn about the gospel, we do so because we love them. It is important for people, especially those we know well, to understand we love them and value their friendship unconditionally. When extending an invitation to friends, promise them that their response to your invitations won’t affect your relationship. Such a promise decouples—as we’ll call it—your invitations and your friendship. Decoupling allows both of you to experience friendship freely and to choose freely.
We want people to choose the Savior of their own accord and not because they feel pressured or as if they are doing us a favor. We have found decoupling reduces the tension.
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How does decoupling work in a situation where a member is in a position of influence? Invitations are seldom extended in the work place to those holding a lower position because the employee may feel discriminated against if they don’t accept. Decoupling seems like an appropriate principle to apply, please share other tips or feel free to address other issues when dealing with those you may have professional influence over.
Hey Spencer, great question. Decoupling is a powerful principle for lots of scenarios, including the ones you mentioned. I think you could try something like this: “Hey James, I want to talk to you about something, and before sharing I want to acknowledge a few things first. We work together, and I’m your boss. What I want to talk about is not work-related. Sometimes in these situations people feel like they need to be interested in or do something because ‘that’s what my boss wants.’ I want you to know this is not one of those situations. And I actually never want you to choose what I want you to choose unless I explicitly say, ‘Hey, it’s your choice … and how I really want this to go is that you choose option A.’ I’m always interested in your opinion and preference. Sound good? Any questions?” [Get their questions and responses, and handle them.] “Ok, so what I want to talk about is …”
This sample conversation may sound annoyingly meticulous. Don’t worry about too long of a preface before saying what you have to say. Focus on acknowledging whatever context is already present in your connection with the person you are talking to and then create a new context that is appropriate and a match for the new conversation. Everything is possible in conversation. So the tip is:
1 – If you are thinking about it in your head, talk about it out loud.
2 – If you think they are thinking about something and not saying it, let them know the space is safe for them to say what they are thinking and then invite them to share what they are thinking.
This helpful? Can you see new actions for yourself now?
Thank you for your response to that really great question. I can see how just talking over supposed pressures will make the other person feel at ease and safe to share their real feelings about the invitation.
I used to teach school and I could have used this to put parents at ease when inviting them to learn about the gospel. I think I was uncomfortable inviting them because I was worried they would feel pressured to accept. I was afraid they would think I would somehow treat their child unfairly if they didn’t agree to meet with the missionaries.
I actually never did invite any parents to hear the gospel message. Sometimes I feel inadequate to invite people because I see all my faults and weaknesses and think I need to be better first. But I guess that is probably what Satan wants me to think so he can stop me from taking action.
We have a number of people interested in our ward activities and and they follow up with curiosity about our Church, which is GREAT, but here’s the problem. They want to attend our Sac Meetings, mingling in both spiritual and recreational things like all wards do. Then when the missionaries get involved it all comes to a halt because of ward boundaries. We’ve tried every way possible around this boundary issue but people just aren’t ready to leave the ward they were fellowshipped in. Suggestions?
George, what a great question! Many leaders discourage cross boundary teaching, often citing that priesthood keys have geographical limitations over stewardship. It’s a hard balance to achieve. This really shouldn’t be a concern, yet it happens all the time. The Church policy is that investigators can attend in the ward where their fellow-shippers attend for up to a year. The Church’s stance makes sense because they hope that in the course of that year the now convert will be able to go to the temple and will be spiritually independent enought to be able to spiritually handle going to their geographical ward. The problem is that the members and leaders of the Church forget that what matters is not the geographical boundaries of units, but rather the needs of our Heavenly Father’s Children. He doesn’t care what ward His children attend, rather that they come unto Christ, and partake of the Priesthood Ordinances of the Gospel.
Oftentimes missionaries also loose focus of this principle. In cases where this is a problem, that investigators’ friends attend a different ward, the missionaries should obtain permission from their Mission President. The Mission President holds the keys over the missionaries and their teaching. As the nonmembers’ investigation of the Church continues, both bishops should be in the loop during the process. The Bishop of the ward in which the non-members reside should be kept in the loop so that when the time comes for the now convert to attend their geographical ward the bishop of that ward is fully award of the convert’s situation and how to best help them progress in the Gospel.
The ultimate goal is to have these converts go to the Temple and be sealed as a family. Any means to get them there worthily is what Christ would have us do. Each convert’s situation is different and should be left to the discretion of the Bishop and the Mission President.